I hate to admit it, but she was right.
Change is difficult for an Aspie.
Change is difficult for my little Aspie. My middle child.
Most days I look at him and know that people can’t tell that there’s anything different about him. He’s just like every other kid. Except… maybe he goes from ultra-calm to extreme-anxiety in 0 seconds flat for seemingly no reason. But there always is a reason, and if you understand him, you can completely see it coming.
To me, he’s so predictable, I can head these things off before anyone else even realizes that there would be an issue.
That’s called being proactive isn’t it?
I mean isn’t that would ANY mother would do?
Today, I look around and realize that I have unconsciously created a world of consistency and predictability for him, minimizing changes to his environment.
When we went for our assessment to determine whether he was Autistic, the psychologist told me right then and there, that I’d adapted my world to him, and that this wasn’t helping in the ultimate goal of teaching him how to adapt to the world.
What, in the first 15 minutes of meeting me?
This woman didn’t know me. She didn’t know us. She had NO idea what struggles we’d been through and what it was like for us to get to this stage where most people couldn’t even tell by looking at him.
I was grateful for her help, but I was offended.
What did she know?
Yes, I walked with a sweater just in case it was too cold, and a couple interesting toys in case we had a long wait. But I’d do the same for any of my kids. How different is that from any other parent? Isn’t this what prepared parents do? What does she know?
*****
Yesterday my oldest told me he was going stir-crazy from being cooped up indoors because of the chicken-pox. He said he needed to be OUT of the house, even if it was just to go for a ride in the car.
And he sounded so much like me.
So much like a younger me, before kids.
I needed to be OUT, needed to be around people and spaces and to stimulate my senses.
Even after he came along, when he was very little we adventured. He didn’t stop us from packing up and heading to the beach for a weekend, laughing at the baby all sandy and his amazement at the tiny fishes in the water.
But that all changed 2 years later when his brother came along. Aside from being financially more difficult, it was physically more different. Still, by the time #2 approached toddlerhood, the impromptu middle-of-the-week, after-work drives to the sea to fish… Evenings cutting up bait in the back of the station wagon, and daddy catching nothing but bait with his bait (smile), me telling stories to the babies in the car… that all stopped.
#2 was a handful. He didn’t seem to react very well to change.
I suppose having everyone insisting that he was simply not a very social child, helped steel me because I knew I was right. I knew there was more to this.
So I created a world where he was safe to express himself, and where I could listen. It worked well for us. He learned to trust me, and to take little leaps of faith when I tried to teach him “the rules”. “No Hitting”, “No Biting”, “Breathe Deep and Be Calm”, “Use Your Words”. It worked. Unbeknownst to me it resonated extremely well with his need for order and rules and patterns. He felt a sense of accomplishment at learning the rules and knowing when to apply them successfully.
Yes, I did try to establish a world where he felt safe, where I minimized the opportunity for him to become over-stimulated.
So maybe she was right.
But was I really so wrong?
9 Responses to “I hate to admit it, but she was right.”
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About Me
A 30-ish mother of 3 and unintentional entrepreneur, I started my own IT Consultancy firm after layoffs at my old job. I balance the world of Corporate IT with my life as Manager of the education, health and well-being of my children.
Blogging from the Caribbean, I give tech advice to moms and write about raising 3 kids under 10, one of whom has been diagnosed with Aspergers.
Wrong? No. Advocating and protecting our children is what we do, who we are. It is easy for a psychologist, teacher, or consultant to tell parents “the expert” opinion…but the day to day work is left to us. Granted, their ideas are often valid, but the follow through has to work for us- for our kids. Hugs to you—one of the best moms I know! xo
Thank you sweetheart.
Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do in isolation, but I do feel like it was the best under the circumstances.
xoxo
I think you just sound like a mother who cares about her child. I would have to say that while the therapist may be right, you are definitely not wrong. You do what is best for your child and if it helps then that is what matters.
Love the photo by the way!
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Thanks hon. Can’t take credit for the photo though – used a stock photo.
She sounds like an asshat to me; she couldn’t possibly have a child on the spectrum. He’ll have enough trouble getting along in a unpredictable world. A mostly-predictable, safe home will be the place he can safely learn about what to expect when he goes out in the world.
Nope, she doesn’t. And that’s EXACTLY what I was thinking. Not to be controlling, but to try to create an environment that allows my baby to thrive!
Thanks for your kind words!
Well of course you weren’t wrong – you were simply loving your child in the way that he needed it the most, which is was all good momma’s do! I would’ve felt the exact same way: frustrated that the lady was right, but also angry that I didn’t get any credit for doing the best I could. I’m proud of you – you are obviously a loving mom and a gifted writer. Your kids are lucky to have you!
She is a little right because we do need to push their boundaries at times to ensure they start learning to take care of them BUT I don’t think you are wrong.
You are being a great mother keeping his environment safe and noticing before he loses his control the things that make life unbearable. And giggle I do the same thing with my son much to my husband dismay I always always have some distracting toy or book and a sweater just in case to occupy my son as well (Yes he is on the spectrum too) And like you I do it for the others as well.
Hugs to you and have a great weekend.
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Hi Nicole, just found this site and want to say “well done mum” for being alert and attentive to your second child’s differences. I am waiting since October last year to have my 2nd son diagnosed for asperger. He is now 9 and I have always known that he was “different” and deliberately created a safe, steady environment in which sudden change didn’t have a place to wreak havoc. It works for both of us and with his school, they have the understanding that not all of us nowadays can cope with change – he gets advised to finish what he is doing before the subject changes or the classroom changes and guess what, he manages brilliantly and the school have a calm and happy child. Who knows best anyway? The one who is with her child the most I say!