Monday’s Muse – Reflections

With your sister’s first birthday just 2 weeks away, you’d probably expect this to be about her. But this is about you, my oldest child. And me, struggling to be the best mother to you that I can.

You amaze me. You are so generous with your kindness and your smile lights up a room. Your are the happiest child I know. But your big heart is fragile.

We had a rough day yesterday kid. We had some laughs, but we had some tension too. You know, as smart and independent as you are, you still need guidance. Trust me and I promise not to steer you wrong. Sometimes I don’t have the words to explain to you, although I know you would understand. And sometimes, I don’t want you to have to understand. I want you to relax and go play, and be a child, and… just trust me.

And sometimes, I just don’t have it together. Sometimes I’m just trying to deal with the biggest emergency of the hour. And because you’re so good, that puts you down on the list doesn’t it. But that doesn’t mean go acting out for the attention, cos it won’t be good attention. And I expect better of you. And my heart breaks for you, because I know you deserve more.

But I’m doing my best.

I tell you lighten up kid, and it’s because I’m saying it to me. Because I see in you, a mini me. I see me at 8 – people-loving and precocious. But I also see the me I am now. I know you want to be grown up and help, and so you try to marshall everyone into line, protecting your mummy. When you’re anxious and you snap at your brother, I know where it comes from. I try to set you a better example, but… I got my moments. Don’t pattern on those. Mommy’s wrong sometimes.

I’d like to think that your easy laugh and your love for your family and your fearless determination to protect those weaker than you… I’d like to think that that comes from me. You’re a joy to be around. I want you to know that even when I have to put your sister to bed and I can’t have you with me, that it’s never that I don’t want you with me.

One day you’ll understand the cliche that “parenting doesn’t come with manuals”. You’ll understand that your Mom loved you even when she was yelling at you. That climbing the mossy trees in the rain didn’t make her angry, it scared the crap out of her. And that I have come too close to losing you once, so I know I’m not strong enough to do without you.

So do me a favour. Go be my little ninja-tarzan-athlete. Be happy. And know that I am always there for you, even when it seems that I am far.

Check out Cinnamon and Honey for more Monday Muses.

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